Chuck Norris never gets old...

[Xayal]

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris divides by zero.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris' wristwatch has no numbers on it. It just says, "Time to kick ass."

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.


Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

The only thing Mr. T, Van Diesel and Chuck Norris can agree on is that Tom Cruise is a faggot.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver... and wins.

The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats.

Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelry."

Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.

Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

If Chuck Norris makes a woman ride on top during sex, she instantly qualifies for the "mile high" club.

The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.

Chuck Norris once devoured a whole wheel-barrow full of clay to prove to a friend that the expression "Shitting bricks" wasn't just a figure of speech.

Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris."

When Superman squeezes a lump of coal, he creates a diamond. When Chuck Norris squeezes a lump of coal, he creates an African child to work in his diamond mines.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris breaks the law, the law doesn't heal.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

A unicorn once kicked Chuck Norris. That is why they no longer exist.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends".

The Jihadists are pissed because they can no longer tell their recruits to expect 73 virgins in heaven. The best they can do now is 73 women who have already had sex with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once partook in a pissing contest outside of a bar. His opponent drowned.

When lightning strikes Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris strikes back.

When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."

When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.

Touching Chuck Norris' beard will increase you life expectancy by 6 years. Unfortunately, the following roundhouse kick will reduce your life expectancy by 300. You do the math.

On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris was once in New Orleans. While there, a stupid person started a fight with Chuck and the resulting roundhouse kick from Chuck created Hurricane Katrina.

When Chuck Norris steps onto a military installation at 7:00 in the morning, retreat plays because its lights out for everyone.

No one really knows what caused the Shuttle Challenger to explode. All I know is Chuck Norris was skeet shooting that day in Florida…

Osama Bin Laden is hiding in a cave now. Not because our bombers are looking for him but because Chuck Norris’s hates him and sat on Osama to teach him a lessen.

Iran is one secret away from building a nuke. The secret fuel for a nuclear weapon…Chuck’s sperm.

The “Red phoneâ€￾ the President uses for nuclear weapons release is really a direct line to Chuck Norris.

[Inglorion]

Careful....dont let Cirk read this....she might die from laughing

[Gninja]

My favorite:

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a true story, Chuck Norris once swallowed 4 turtles when they came out they were 8 feet tall and knew karate!

[Delph]

My favourite:

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.