Message from the Queen to Obama

[Flobdeth]

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’, ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise’. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don’t try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

[Debillus]

ROFL ... Thanks Flob, especially for the Aluminium clarification. Eat that Los.
But, Left hand driving, geez. At least the yanks got THAT part right =)...

[Flutterflies]

I love it flob

[Gninja]

I could write one of those up and state the exact opposite about England but then I would be out of line. Everyone likes to pick on the US. It's too bad most of those same people want to move here.

I will go on pronouncing things the way I do until someone comes over and can physically force me to do otherwise. I enjoy my freedoms, I don't need some 80 year old lady to tell me what I can or can't do or how I can do it. If I wanted that I would live with my grandmother.

This may have been a joke but it would be pretty easy for some Americans to take offense to it. And no I am not upset lol.

[Debillus]

We only tease because we love ya's

[Phatal]

I could write one of those up and state the exact opposite about England but then I would be out of line. Everyone likes to pick on the US. It's too bad most of those same people want to move here.

I will go on pronouncing things the way I do until someone comes over and can physically force me to do otherwise. I enjoy my freedoms, I don't need some 80 year old lady to tell me what I can or can't do or how I can do it. If I wanted that I would live with my grandmother.

This may have been a joke but it would be pretty easy for some Americans to take offense to it. And no I am not upset lol.

Woah, someones got a bad dose of Little American Man Syndrome.

[Flutterflies]

Gninja in no way has "little man" syndrome American or other. Dont project your insecurites on him phatal

[Phatal]

[Debillus]

OMG that avatar sucks ...



You had me positively going for that bugger to swipe it off my monitor... Phatal 1, Deb 0

[Karmha]

LOL thanx for the morning laugh Flob

Oh and Deb u mean Phatal not Krav i think ;)

[Debillus]

Yeah lol =)

[Graulf]

Oh now i get it. That post about the Queen was a joke? Bugger! I thought : Finally those americans are gonna be taught some manners...

[Delph]

A shame this was just a joke...

I already started on my letter of recommendation to the Dutch government to arrange a deal with the Queen to trade back Suriname for New York and call it New Amsterdam again....